Dinosaurs & Cheese

Being a fat kid, the meals here have been interesting compared to the normal fare.  As soon as the group sits down and we order drinks, the next 10 minutes of conversation go something like this:

“Has anyone had ______? Was it good?”

“I had _______. It wasn’t bad.”

“If you try ______, you’ll probably die. Just saying.”

The food is unbelievably expensive, to the extent that if we were in the US, I would be in the back washing dishes rather than eating off them. $16 bowl of soup? Mmhmm!

Lately though, I’ve been a bit more adventurous with food and that hasn’t always been a good move.  For instance, the cannelloni contained raw dough instead of pasta tubes and the spinach tasted like Earth. In fact, I’m gagging a bit as I think of it now.

For the most part though, I’ve been muttering a lot of, “this is… um…peculiar.”  Peculiar: adj.- My polite way of saying that  this is utterly strange taste, but maybe it’s a cultural thing.

This was my salad, in an attempt to go for a healthy, light lunch.

Dearest EmmaLee,

Happy birthday and welcome to the planet!  This place doesn’t always make sense and I’m sure you’ll know that firsthand as you grow. The beauty of it all is that senselessness can lead to unimaginable magic. Your future awaits you and it is full of promise! For now though, there are a few things that I want you to keep in mind as you begin your adventure on Earth:

1. While it’s nearly guaranteed that you won’t always get along, your sisters will always be there for you.  Hang tight to them. They’ll be your guideposts for the rest of your life.

2. No matter how wrong something goes or how confused you may be, clarity will always be revealed later on. Always.  So keep your grit girl and stay tough.

3. Don’t mind Uncle Mark, he’s harmless, albeit a bit clueless 🙂

4. Your family, immediate and extended, has loved you long before we met you.  They are fiercely loyal and you’re stuck with us all.  And while you’ll grow up amongst a bunch of characters, it’s good for you. It means you’ll be funny because you’ll have all sorts of unbelievable stories. Just you wait!

5.  The best you can do each day is your very best. Somedays it works. Somedays it doesn’t. But hey, at least you tried.

6. If any of your cousins or siblings or uncles or, well, anyone in the family opens with, “Trust me, I know what I’m doing,” run the other way.

7. Learn. You will never think, “Gosh, I wish I knew less or didn’t feel as smart as I am.” Your education is power and your ticket to untold happiness.

8. Legos don’t belong in your nose. Ever.

9. If you hear your mom’s voice in your head- go with what she’s telling you.  She knows a lot more than you realize.

10. You are limitless.

“Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It’s round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you’ve got a hundred years here. There’s only one rule that I know of, babies-“Damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”- Kurt Vonnegut.

Rarely does my life model a reality television show, and for that, I am grateful.  Shows like Jersey Shore and Real World have provided me with a baseline of behaviors in which it would be appropriate for me to request institutionalization if I ever began mimicking that lifestyle.

However, a TV channel here in Nigeria is shooting a reality show about living for a month in our hotel. Suddenly my life has become a reality show…albeit (thankfully) with less cameras.

Sarah (the other expat wife) and I saw the girls when they were ” checking in” to the hotel. It was amusing to see the takes redone over and over again. Not to mention that we felt silly being in the background and staring. It was just up on the list of highly unexpected things to happen to us.  Train wreck in the front lobby and I just couldn’t turn away.

Last night, however, our reality show became more real when the group inadvertently walked into a ‘concert’ being put on for the show.  The actual singing was about 28 seconds long, but there will be three very white faces staring dumbfounded in the background of this rockin’ poolside scene. In addition, we scored some CDs from the performer which I bet are just stellar.

Because free drinks were being doled out, last night’s dinner was full of a lot of laughs.  I’m thankful that there is a cohort of The Hubs’ coworkers here at the hotel, who help to break up the monotony.  Because of culture differences, there are a lot of instances when people are funny, if only for the unfamiliarity of it all.  For instance, a small Hobbit-like man got into the elevator with us as we all retired for the evening.  He hopped in at the last moment and proceeded to have his back to the door, as he pleasantly stared at all of us. When he got off at his floor, he stepped backward, had a 20 second dramatic pause and with a bow, said, ” Goodnight” as the doors closed.  It was, by far, one of the most awkwardly awesome interactions we’ve had so far.  All five us kept it together until the doors closed, but the giggling was probably heard as we moved to new floors.

“Everything has changed. The flying changed. The airports  have changed.” – Eydie Gorme

Ordinarily there isn’t much to say about airports. If you’ve been to one, you’ve been to them all. Sure, some are a bit eccentric (Detroit with the tube of elctro-lights), or just plain insane (Charles De Gaulle), but they’re just airports.

But Nigeria isn’t ordinary, so why expect their airport to be anything but an absolute experience?

The flight was good and that’s really as interesting as I can make it. We have a pod seat that lowers flat, they feed us a bunch of food that is certainly loaded with temazepam, and :poof: it’s breakfast time!

When the plane lands, the stewardesses..stewarderers…flight attendants start announcing that everyone needs to remain seated until the seat belt sign has been turned off. Then, they proceed to say this over and over again, ultimately resorting to calling out things like “Sir, yes you, please sit down.” And my personal favorite, “Sit down NOW! NOW! Fine. Whatever.” I cannot confirm this, but I believe there is a prize outside the door of the plane and whomever can push down the elderly and anyone else that is in front of them and reach the boarding doors first, well, victory is theirs!

So after battling your way to get off the plane (do NOT be the person that makes your row wait.), a couple turns gets you to immigration. Immigration lines in any country kinda suck (conjecture, I know. Give me a heads up if you’ve ever been through a country’s immigration process and walked away thinking: gosh, I wish I could do that again right now!).  In Nigeria, however, the lines are utterly slow moving in a country that does not have an air-conditioned airport.

The Hubs and I were escorted by, um, a guy. I don’t know exactly what he does, but he tends to get us out of queue and has me sit down instead of going through customs.   This same gentleman goes and wrestles up carts while The Hubs and I have the daunting task of trying to get to our luggage.

The thing about the airport is that it is PACKED. Packed as in, you cannot directly walk.  You have to walk a few steps, shuffle a bit to the side, then continue on your path. Packed. Okay, in a country that doesn’t have as much of a personal bubble thing going on and somewhat lax policy on deodorant, getting to the luggage carousel involves basically picking up skinny women and  placing them on the other side of you. If you’re swift, you can move into their spot.  90 minutes of waiting, and we have found our bags. Did I mention there was no air-conditioning?

Now imagine getting through the airport, customs, and everything else, to have every person in a 1/2 mile radius stop what they’re doing and stare at you.

Welcome to Nigeria!

Okay, so I knew I forgot to do something! I forgot to write anything for four months. Yeah..

So here is the Reader’s Digest version of life so far (By the way, “Reader’s Digest version” means nothing to kids nowadays. It doesn’t really mean anything to my generation either. I’m secretly an 85 year Jewish man stuck in a 26 year old female body. Don’t tell.)

Okay, read all these really quickly in one breath.

1. Got married. I think you knew that.

2. Still married. Yea us! We made it longer than Kim Kardashian (Googled how to spell that name… clearly I can’t stand pop culture)

3. Got a dawg. Her name is Macaroni. She’s part corgi, part husky, part Satan spawn.

4. Still teaching Texas history…still pretending to know Texas history.

5. Husband signed us up for a July 4th 5K. I’m still not talking to him.

6. We started GeoCaching. I have poison ivy.

7. Big plans are in the works, but mum’s the word on those for now. (That’s trying my hand at intrigue.)

8. I’m writing a book. I think it sucks. I’m writing it anyway.

I really wanted to get to 10 since Letterman taught me things are better in tens. I ran out of stuff though.

However, I’m back in the game and will be writing more soon. Like for realsies.

Houston is the fourth largest city in America…

Some of you may not have the distinct pleasure of shopping at a downtown mall just a few days before Christmas.

In my naive state, I thought that because it was mid-workday, the mall wouldn’t be as crowded as it would be later in the day. The terrifying thing is that I was probably right.

My first moments within the vacinity of the mall dropped me into a movie-moment. With my blinker on, I waited to turn left into a parking spot. I wanted to wait until a car passed me…. and as I waited,  I watched that same car look at me and pull into my parking spot. All I could do was stare. And stare. And stare. She eventually looked over at my mouth-agape look and started to put her car in reverse. I drove on. Perhaps she would feel badly about her obvious jerk move. Merry Christmas, after all.

Once inside the mall, it looked like a scene from a monster movie. Everyone running, dragging crying children, and frantically pushing their ‘competition’ out of the way. Survival of the fittest, right? Right.

Oh, and while bobbing and weaving to get away from the terrifying crowd, you have to dodge a train. A train! As if the mall weren’t a challenge enough, now we have a man who hates his job (I like to imagine what major he had in college…Philosophy? Teaching? Ooo fine arts!), but has the power to drive a four foot train throughout the crowded halls of the mall. And, let’s add to it by putting small, sticky children inside the train…adding to the ever present possibility of child-vomit.

So…

Frantic Parents

Crying, sticky, sugar-crazed children

Red-eyed, manic train engineer (Did I mention it’s a grown man who has to curl up into a child sized train?)

And me.

When a mother grabbed my arm and asked me through gritted teeth, “WHERE is Santa? He’s suppose to be here. He’s not here. WHERE IS HE?” as if I were a jolly elf representative for altruistic Big Guy…I decided that Cyber Monday and I were going all the way next year.

All. the. way.